We live on a rapidly changing planet, and we know the world that our children will wake up to as adults will not look like this one.
There are many reasons for this change, and many elephants in that room of many reasons. One of those reasons is our number. We are many. And every hour, we are more.
I have been trying to write this post for a few years now, without success. There are drafts, and second drafts, and then segues back to first drafts. I can’t quite find the right angle. So I’ll just come out and say it.
I think we’re only having one child.
Before you rush and get your anti-Ehrlich stick to start a-whackin me, it’s not what you think.
In short, I found the first few years of motherhood tough. Very tough. It’s great, don’t get me wrong, but I just don’t think I can do it twice. I’d rather be a competent mum to one little beautiful, than a probably-medicated mum to multiple small awesomes.
So. While I was coming to terms with the fact that we were perhaps destined to be a one-kid family, I naturally went through a phase where i groped around looking for justifications to hang my decision on.
There weren’t that many. I found a couple of articles and studies declaring that it was indeed possibly for only children to be happy and not irreparably damaged. I found some to the contrary too.
I also experienced a slow avalanche of incidental advice that having only one kiddo was equivalent to child abuse and would leave my child stunted in every way. Mostly in response to my ‘um, to tell you the truth, I don’t think we’re having another one, actually…’
Almost to spite said slow avalanche of unasked for advice, I read The Population Bomb. It’s quite a read. I still haven’t decided what I think of it, however.
But it did get me thinking about whether it was up to me to contribute to the planet’s population balance, with the choices I made concerning my own ovaries (and no-one else’s, mind).
So. There was a big fat peg to hang my decision apon. With bonus moral high ground! Depending on how you see this issue, of course.
But I just couldn’t. I certainly don’t have the answer for how we feed everyone, nor for how we set effective and ethical limits to growth within our societies, but the whole “well I’M doing my bit at least” angle did not cut it for me.
Mostly, the population peg didn’t work for me because I suspect, had things been a bit different with my early mothering experience, we would have multiple beautifuls by now. So pretending to wave the one-child flag based on my terribly righteous social conscience would frankly be a crock.
Not to mention that, as a conversation starter, bringing up self-regulated population control is a great way to loose friends and to cause people to take offence.
So I had decided to just leave the why of it, and let things be.
What I did want, however, was to try and find a way to start talking about the fact that maybe having just one kid is ok, and start discussing awesome and positive examples of small families whose beloved and only child was neither a stunted, deprived creature, nor a little emperor.
So that is the post I was trying to write. About how, maybe, there’s a future which involves lots of happy one-kid families (in amongst the happy multi-kid families) who are fabulously integrated into their wider communities.
That was, until I was standing next to this guy the other day. Let’s call him Derrick.
Says Derrick to me (we know each other slightly) “So. When are you making a spare?”
“No spares for us”, I say in my best polite I’m not fussed voice (because telling him all about the continuous, convulsive crying and the deep, growling anger and the dreams of doom just didn’t seem appropriate at that point).
“You should” says Derrick. “They die. I’ve lost three siblings. You need spares”
It was meant as a normal conversation from a particularly straight-talking man. I didn’t mind it on that level. But it got me thinking.
It got me thinking that my decision to have one kid, which I was determined to think of as pretty virtuous, might be actually just a symptom of my first-world privilege.
Living where we do in the world (and being white, with an education to boot), statistically my kid is far, far less likely to die from lack of access to clean water, or from war, famine, and just about everything else. Cancer or obesity are most likely to get him, but that would be decades from now.
Added to this happy fact, given where we live on the planet, my family does not need to produce 12 kids in order to, while allowing for high child mortality, keep our family agricultural enterprise afloat. For now. Lucky us.
And maybe, at the end of the day when you strip away the untidy emotions, that’s why I go about thinking I don’t need a spare. Wow. It’s my bloody white first world privilege. And I thought It was just me.
You hear parents occasionally joke about making a spare. I’ve never thought anything of it. I know they don’t mean that Poppy is the spare for Ewan, or vice versa. They just mean that… well, if something terrible happened to one of their darlings, they’d still be parents.
Completely justifiable as an evolutionary urge. Also the most popular way to ensure they become grandparents, biologically speaking.
But when Derrick talked about spares, he meant it. It was quite factual, and coming from a man who grew up in a country of conflict, far from here. Life is uncertain. Loved ones die. Best make a few of them.
I’m not sure where this realisation leaves me.
Still as a happy (and getting happier) Mum to one little beautiful. No spares. Guess we’ll just have to wing it.
I’m still looking for great stories and strategies for navigating one-kid parenting in this world of ours. And I do think it’s important that we as a society generally get more comfortable (and maybe even supportive) of smaller families, if we’re to create regenerative communities for many generations to come.
Got any great stories or strategies for me?
Ha. I didn’t know I was so stunted and damaged….I loved being an only child. I had and still have a very rich relationship with my parents, extended family etc
wow and what an example you are, milady! xx
Apparently, most of the discussions around the ‘issues’ for only children are based on out dated and inadequate research. I just wish I could remember the name of the psychologist who wrote the great article on this.
A happy, loving relationship (most of the time) between parent and child is the most important factor. The rest is virtually irrelevant.
Thank you for sharing your experience so beautifully x
Nice.
As you say, your ovaries, your circumstance, none of our business.
And you’re so right to mention community, I figure (and I’m no expert) that the more people, aunts, Grandfathers, cousins, mates, foreign visitors etc, kids are exposed to and influenced by, the more rounded they’ll be, the bigger their world will be and the more they’ll respect or at least hear others opinions.
X
I wish every parent thought as deeply as you have about parenthood and what that means for you, your loved ones and the planet. Thank you so much for sharing your innermosts.
From the heart, thank you so much sharing. I’m a Mum of 2 beautifuls and I hear you loud and clear.
One of my very best friends is an only child. She is caring, generous and kind – exactly the opposite of the stereotypical only child. We all make the best decisions we can for our families. Noone else gets a say (thank goodness!) So it is great that you are privileged not to need a ‘spare’, and great that you can recognise that privilege. But I am really surprised that other people have opinions about how many children you (or anyone else) has. My favourite response to unsolicited opinions about parenting – ‘pass the bean dip’ (or other appropriate subject… Read more »
One beautiful little emperor for us (hopefully not an emperor forever though!)… and I do worry about ‘what if’ and give him one more hug than he wants every day just in case the unthinkable should happen… Why one? Because there are so many of us on this planet already… because his wonderful Daddy didn’t turn up in my life sooner… because he’s enough… because it took a bit of trying for us to get this far… because we surely couldn’t be this lucky twice!… because we can still fit a mate on the back of the cargo bike with… Read more »
Fabulous post. Family isn’t just about blood …. family is so much more. Your family is the community that lives at Milkwood. Should your gorgeous boy have playmates and other kids to rumble with? You bet. And i’m sure you give him plenty of opportunities. We may have three, and while they are all adopted, many would say they aren’t family because they aren’t blood. it’s about the relationships that you choose to make with people … and yeah …. it is inevitable that spares die …. but the bigger your community … the better off your (and mine for… Read more »
I am struggling to make it to one kid, let alone a spare. I think I am living in first world privilege as well, knowing there is “time” although, my mother had popped out 5 kids (albeit only 4 surviving to this day) by the time she was the ripe age of 30. My age. Yet I can’t even fathom being a parent just yet. I am still trying to ensure I get a good crop rotation right or remember to water the pots that don’t get touched by the irrigation…how could *I* possibly look after a child?!?! Granted, I… Read more »
I just wanted to say how impressed I am that you wrote (and published) that post, love you long time, lady xxx
Though we aren’t one of them, we hang with many, MANY one kid families. It is my first hand experience that these children have unique skills and personalities that will do them great justice as adults — they will certainly not be lacking in love and confidence. Whenever any of them feels the longing for a sibling, they come over to my house (with four, and the noise and chaos to go with it) and begin to rethink it. It’s the best of both worlds, I say; none of children will ever know what it’s like to be an only-child… Read more »
Your decision is your’s to make.
Given your role in society, teaching, community endeavors etc. I think any child of yours is going to be super. I wouldn’t worry, you do good.
I had five children and it always amazed me that so many kids live till adulthood (considering childhood and experiments and all). But they do. Mine are all Happy Healthy adults contributing to making this a more Sustainable World. I have not regrets nor should you. Peace Grammy
If you did have a spare, you’d have much less energy to support the community and extended family of Milkwood. From the sounds of it, Ashar is already surrounded by amazing and inspiring people, he learns about sharing and cooperating everyday. The people around him may not be “siblings” but they are his people. Having siblings doesn’t guarantee you a safe community, good role models and healthy food. Isn’t your strategy already there? You’re working at finding ways that will make the future a little less bumpy, exploring farming methods that are healthy and nurturing, demonstrating that new communities can… Read more »
Deep and heartfelt post, and an opinion with which I couldn’t agree more. I had one son, but then, an adoptive child found us (via a caring older man), and we took him in. So, we have two. Though I know he’s way better off, and we love him, it hasn’t been easy, for us or my biological son. Thanks for sharing. – Kaye
Kirsten, I like telling stories, as you asked here is mine/ours. It is a bit long so forgive me if its too long. It took us 6.5 long, tearful, agonising years before we heard the cry of our first son, being the only son and grandson for over 15 years, it was great to have another “male” in my life. Then we tried, and practiced, and tried some more to no avail. We figured after another bunch of years, either we needed more practice or, Daniel was our lot and we were blessed to have him… We were 32 when… Read more »
Wow. What an issue to confront. And you did it, beautifully. BTW, we do have multiple children. One of them decided she should be an only child, and she managed to pull it off! She got help from other people’s parents, on her own terms, and managed to grow up with that attitude, although she is grateful for her upbringing and enjoys her siblings now. Society does not create your child or his attitudes. You do, and sometimes, maybe they have the ultimate say for themselves!
Applause for this post! And for all the thoughts that went in to the many drafts and the many times you’ve considered all these questions. Many of these have run through my mind as well, and I really enjoyed reading this! For the record, I was an only child and loved it. I sincerely hope that I have cultivated caring, kindness, and generosity to the point where I would not be called a stereotypical only child. The relationships that I built with my loving parents and others in their community gave me feelings of safety and confidence as I ventured… Read more »
I am an only child and I believe I turned out just fine! There are pros and cons to anything. The cons of being an only child – sometimes it’s lonely, I do wish I had a sibling to commiserate with at times, my parents were a little overprotective, I’m going to be the only one there for my parents when they get older. The pros – I have an awesome relationship with my parents, my parents were better able to help pay for college which has left me better off financially, I am very independent and have confidence to… Read more »
Dear Kirsten, My only child is now 27 and has grown into a incredibly well-balanced, independent, sensible and socially connected adult. Like you, I found early motherhood almost unbearably difficult, and that was my main reason for not having more children. I certainly don’t regret the lack of ‘spares’. My girl has a half-sister from her father with whom she has some occasional contact- more of a cousin-type relationship than a sibling I think. When she was young our single parent/only child relationship was possibly the most emotionally intense connection possible between two humans but I encouraged her to be… Read more »
Everyone has advice, usually well meant but in the end it just has to be right for you
I recently had my second child at 38 and turned 39 in the same year. There’s 10 years difference between our two kids. I forgot how difficult it was to raise a kid in the first two years of their life. I was preparing myself for the bird leaves the nest mentality and then another comes along. I don’t resent any of it, but it is harder and it does compete with your drives elsewhere. And this is what I believe is the primary argument for deciding how many kids individuals will have – many, none or everything in between.… Read more »
I’ve been telling my kids, I have 4, one or even none…. I don’t think the world as we know it is here for much longer… I watched Dick Smiths Population Puzzle and it changed the way I think… Good on you for only having one… Though if you did decide to have another that’s just fine as well…
Brilliant! I am 31, never wanted children, thought about adoption for the exact reasons you’ve mentioned here….. There’s already too many of us on the planet, why don’t I take one in that needs a home? However, a couple of years ago I met the most brilliant man and it has made me think long and hard about actually starting a family, the one thing I never before wanted to do…. Even though we’re not quite there yet, I deeply appreciate your post and tackling this issue. We all know that if a child is bought up in a loving,… Read more »
I have two and sometimes wish I’d had your foresight to realize that maybe I would have been a better mother if I’d stopped at one. I love them dearly, but I find the whole work-life balance thing impossible and often feel like I am always selling somebody short. I’m also terribly concerned about the environment and think that we humans have a moral obligation to consider the impact of our population on the future of the earth. If we were deer, someone would be arguing that it’s time to thin the herd. I follow Population Connection on Facebook and… Read more »
awesome – thanks for that Kimberley 🙂
Dear Kirsten, I found over the years that you’ll cope with what you get. Some women ache for children and never have any, for some one is enough and for others it’s as many as they can. Dare I say it for some women motherhood holds no interest at all. I am lucky enough to have three beautiful daughters of my own, a stepson and stepdaughter and bunch of wonderful “ring ins” that call me Mum. I am grandma to a 17yo who is an only child and a 2yo who will be an only child and if one of… Read more »
Thanks for this great and so important post Kirsten. I have an “only”, now 33, and certainly a good thinking, loving human being. I, like you couldn’t “do” another for lots of reasons but mainly I knew I would probably have not done it well…. so I didn’t. I may not have grandkids, and that has got me thinking a lot about this strong need for our own genes to be reproduced. I have little ones in my life a lot and I am really close to some. I feel like a ‘nana’ to lots of them. As long as… Read more »
Let the universe decide.
Wow. Thanks for all the comments, everyone! I’m loving this.
I think this is the most important issue of our lifetime and I am happy to you wrote this article. I too am a single child and I don´t consider myself mentally ill in any way. I had a very happy childhood – even so it can get lonely at times – friends made up for not having a brother or sister – the most problematic thing was the social stigma of not having a cool sister/brother around – as parents you need to be way more a friend for a single child. I think having multiple childs is a… Read more »
I applaud you for this post-it’s certainly more in depth than I have ever considered the issue to be. I have 2, with a seven year gap. The youngest is 4 and my partner and I are considering having another in 3 years-I will be 32, my oldest 14. That said, we are also thinking we will foster instead. Both my children were happy accidents, but I’m pretty sure given the choice, I would not have had children, or would have fostered/adopted. I really don’t feel that biological need to pass on my genes. I think this makes me lucky-I… Read more »
Mmm, interesting discussion, I have three children and very proud of it and i don’t apologise for it. Whether you choose to have one, three or eight+ children is your personnal choice its more aboug how you live as s fsmily. I’m very aware of the environmental impact an increased population has on the world however we educate our children on the importance of self sufficiency, constantly remind them of specific buying habits, continue to live as environmentally friendly as economically possible. Our family of five may well have a less environmental impact than a family of two or three.… Read more »
Great post Kirsten. I think there must be loads of advantages to having one child. Especially the amount of time and energy you can give them and other projects in your life. I have three beautiful girls and yes right at this moment it is exhausting. I’m building a house, starting up a magazine and trying to give my girls lots of love and attention. But I love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. Our family just didn’t quite feel finished until Indy came along. Now we are well and truly done. I think as far as living… Read more »
It is great that we have the means to plan how many children we have for our family – not like in the olden days. However I have an issue with “Derrick” labelling children as spares. With self esteem issues, depression and suicide being at the current level, I hate that children can be called spares and be treated like the spare tyre, new pen or a set of clothing – not that important most of the time until really needed. Lets value all children not just the first or only.
I feel this is such an important issue and discussed very well. The comments have all said a lot, so I have little to add.
It would be an excellent situation, indeed, where the idea of “spares” becomes obsolete, everyone has equal opportunity and we can simply live sustainably, in both population and consumption.
I love you guys. I read you all the time. I support your decision and I believe our planet is overburdened. I did however have a different experience. When my parents died as did their parents before them, I found myself all alone. I myself could not have children and here I am now sixty and not one living relative. Husband gone too. Thank God for old friends, old dogs, old cats, four little chickens and a hive full of sweet little Italian bees. Otherwise I’d have died of loneliness long ago. Don’t do anything drastic quite yet
Regardless of your decision, there will be people who will judge, either overtly or stealthily. And there will be other people who will accept and support you AND help out with caring for your child. You know who to hang out with and listen to 🙂 I have four sons and a full time job. I found the baby stage each time terribly hard, isolating work. I suspect this is because of our social model in Australia, and that it would be better if we lived in larger extended family/community groups. It is also hard when you are both a… Read more »
What a wonderful ‘honest’ candid post. This is such a topical issue, population control aka the most logical & sensible way to get a handler on the myriad of environmental disasters unfolding before our eyes. To be honest, I am guilty of the ‘spare’ mentality & have three sons (they are beautiful blessings & I couldn’t imagine my life without them in it). However, your dialogue has really got me thinking & opened my mind to be more accepting of other options re children. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
It is none of my business whether you have more kids or not, but I wanted to say, number one, thank you for your honesty and being so candid. Number two, something that stood out to me (and obviously I don’t know what your story was the first time around) but I felt I wanted to say to you, that I had it tough with my first newborn experience, in my own way, with post natal anxiety the top of the list. We both survived! My second newborn experience was different. I don’t know if I had my shit together… Read more »
It must be something about this week that this issue seems to be coming to the surface with everyone I know (and don’t know but have read their blog posts!) Know that you are not alone! Unlike the initial decision of whether or not to have a child, having a toddler immediately means every person you meet will ask about your plans for another one. I am finally ok with having one amazing little person in my life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still pee on a stick hopefully every month or cry in self pity every time another… Read more »
I would wish for all of us that, regardless of what we each choose for ourselves, – whether through circumstance, biology or preference – that the rest of the village gathers around and supports that choice with joy and without judgement. * May those who would have liked children but didn’t meet their ‘one’ or weren’t physically able find joy in the the children of others who need a break. The role of the special aunty/uncle or fairy godperson is a joyful one. We get to savour the energy and interests of the little one and then hand them back.… Read more »
Thanks for this post, Kirsten. I’m an only and the mother of an only and I am now very content. I, too, couldn’t face another go at pregnancy. I don’t have time to do your post justice, but I’ll try to come back and post again. Bravo to you for your thoughtfulness and honesty!
Danielle
Humble Designs Permaculture
Hi Kirsten, Dean Driscoll here. You no doubt would remember the experience we went through with little Christopher passing. I feel that even if one has 20 children, the loss of one will not change the shock and the devastation. Little Tahlia was born 2 weeks before Chris died, yet we hardly noticed her as we watched Chris’ suffering. It’s a tough one. I decided when our first son was born 21 years ago that I did not want any more children, for when he was born the potential for suffering dawned on me if anything were to happen to… Read more »
Thanks Dean, your perspective is a hard-won one xx
Hi Kirsten. So much wisdom, here, I cant read it all. I’ve long thought about these issues given our population crisis. There are many factors personal and ideological. I strongly support you in having just one child and building a community of friends / family for you and your child (and your friends children). I try to imagine how traditional societies lived and shared parenting and kids growing up with cousins. Although they probably had bigger families due to the risk of loss, we now need to take care of population levels. I know a Green has 3 children but… Read more »
And perhaps I should add one more thing. In relation to the difficulties in rearing a child. That is a very valid issue for people in our modern world. We are missing the support that older cultures typically had from within the family and in village life what with our families spread far and wide and a return to village life resisted by most people confused as we are by corporate propaganda. So, I just thought that I should recognise that, that is a very valid concern for you both. It is a bloody good reason as to why we… Read more »
Hi I’m a mum of 2, when my first was born I met a wonderful group of first time mothers. Ten years on we are still meeting regularly, our children are like siblings, they have known each other all their lives. Some families went on to have 2, like us, some had just the 1 – it doesn’t change the dynamic. The older only children know what it’s like to have an annoying younger sibling! and they also know what its like for a sibling to give them a random hug. I have a whole bunch of cousins that I… Read more »
Great and though-provoking post Kirsten, and some wonderful replies here as well. I would echo the many people who have said here that decisions on how many children to have are no-one’s business but the prospective parents. From a very young age, I knew that I did not want to be a Mother, and while everyone else assumed I would grow out of it, my views never changed. When I met my partner, we were in our very early (as in just) 20s, and when we realised this was a for-life relationship I told him how I felt about being… Read more »
A very interesting topic and I thought about it 40 years ago when without the benefit of the pill, I had 5 surprise children, not one planned! Then I read a book about the population explosion and the world would not be able to feed itself by 2000 and felt very guilty! It has been my view for some time, that if you want to help climate change the world has to have a lot less children. My problem has been that it is the highly educated, intelligent people who are doing that and because of religious reasons or not… Read more »
It’s interesting to look at the ‘third’ ethic of permaculture, which originally was “Setting limits to Population and Consumption – by governing our own needs, we can set resources aside to further the above principles” (i.e. Care of the Earth, Care of People). I actually think this rendition is preferable to the more simplistic ‘fair share’, which main redeeming aspect is that it rhymes. Overpopulation really is everone’s problem as we all live in the same ‘system’ and I applaud those permaculturists who for ethical reasons have decided to limit the number of offspring they bring into this already over… Read more »
I am in a similar situation to you with one young child, but the decision for more has not yet been made. Regardless of the number of children I end up with it is the decisions I make about their young lives that will give them the tools to make their lives have a positive or negative impact in the world. I think that is what every child needs…
Thanks Kirsten for initiating this important conversation. Firstly a story. When Nick stayed with us during the Dave Jacke tour he freely devoted some of his time to reading and playing with our little boy. As a consequence this gave my wife and I the mental and physical space to prepare some food, ensure we had some clean clothes for the next day and do a little planning for the week ahead. For our son he gained the benefit of receiving some dedicated attention form another kind and caring adult. Nick could have sat back in conversation with others, scanned… Read more »